I Am Worthy

Are we in fact doomed to repeat our past and be so blinded by the hopefulness of a different ending that we fail to see this pattern happening?

I am trying to learn through therapy what is healthy and what is right and stop taking my life down a different path.  When there is someone who is healthy and right, in front of me, I find reasons why I am not good enough for what that person has to offer.  I find excuses as to why that person deserves something so much more than what I have to offer.  I keep my blinders on because I don’t want to get hurt and it also scares the shit out of me.  To actually be deserving of this person and to have that person be deserving of myself is such a foreign concept to me that I can’t even wrap my head around it.

Enter therapy.

I spend most of my time and energy on someone who I want to be with in the most carnal way but failed to see that the relationship road he and I were headed down was on par with what a train wreck my childhood was.  I am constantly vying for attention that they only gives me sparingly.  Like a desperate junkie I kept hoping that they would wake up and realize that I was worthy.  The problem with that is that I am worthy, it’s them who squandered their chances and wasted my time.  There is literally no one in the world who would dismiss spending time with you if they truly wanted to be with you.  This is another concept that I am having trouble grasping.  Consistently I have been available to this person at the drop of a pin, and that person knows that, relies on that.  You know what I rely on?  That the minute said person pays me attention, it will be another month before I am worthy enough again to be seen.

In the beginning I accepted this.  I made excuses for said person because I wanted to believe that I was worthy, the thing is I was worthy, that person was not worthy.  Before I existed in their life they had someone who they saw on almost a daily basis, hung out with them, cooked with them, let them take care of them, ect… Then, there is me, who said person is too busy for all the time.  It is tiring.

Therapy reminded me that this is the cycle of my childhood.  Always trying so hard to be good enough and never being able to achieve that feeling of being wanted, needed.  So then with this person, who I had on a pedestal was treating me the same fucking way, and I allowed it.  Much like when I was a child I also took any speck of attention and protected it to my core.  In doing this I have cause harm to my inner self and I have continued on a path I wanted to desperately to get off of.

With therapy I am learning, I am growing, and now that I have knowledge of this bad pattern I repeat it is up to me to break it…wish me luck!

Cheers!

Kat